“Are you a feminist?”, “You do not have a male child in your family?’, “So you hate men?”. I usually get this question whenever I get vocal about what I prefer to do. All these questions used to get me irritated back in Nepal and still does in the USA. We have set rules that need to be followed by gender and if we defer from those engraved rules, we are given the tag of being feminist. Firstly, going against the set rules does not make me feminist. Secondly, being a feminist does not make me hate any other gender. Women’s rights are basic human rights which is hard for many individuals to understand. And once I start explaining rights for women gives me another tag of “ultra-feminist”. I doubt if that word “ultra-feminist” even exists in our literature!
Once the definition of feminism is done, I usually get another remark, “You are doing well, you have a Ph.D. from USA. Your family must be very progressive. Why do have to reiterate feminism all the time then?” My response to that is “Yes, I do have a Ph.D. and it only happened due to my parents, friends, and teachers that guided me to do what always brings joy to my face. Everyone does not have the same environment and just because it did not happen to me does not mean everything is fine around me. “Closing the eyes does not turn day into night”. I have two siblings and unfortunately, we do have so-called rules same as in any other family. But when I look back while growing up I did not have to opt for kitchen duties or household chores just because of my gender, rather we were encouraged to play sports or drive. In my first episode of the menstruation cycle, I was not forced to leave the room, or not to touch anyone, or not to enter puja kotha. We were given sanitary pads to use rather than using clothes which were quite normal when we were growing up. I used to wonder if it because my parents are from a medical background that they are liberal but then I know some doctors who go for female feticide and tears just roll out of my eyes. All these basic rights were not practiced even around me.
My parents had to face so many of backlashes from their own family and society for supporting us. Be it my paternal or maternal side, my mom always had to face sarcasm on how they needed a boy to carry forward the name of the family. It was not till our high schooling was done that we got to hear all these stories as they did not want us to get upset listening to all these illogical comments. After completion of our high school, we all left Janakpur and went out of town for our higher education, which was again, against the norm. Had it not been for my parent’s support, I would not have been in the USA to complete my Ph.D. I still get amazed how in the world my parents gathered all the courage to go against the societal rules and family to support us do what we love to do. The thing that got clear to us at a early age was, we were treated like their kids rather than son or daughter. And above all, the emotional support that I feel with my parents is so optimal that I do not need to marry a man to get my home and another surname. I feel this sense of belonging as we were never ever addressed that we need to get married when we grow up and get to someone else house which will be OUR so-called own house, not even in the form of a joke.
My concept when I entered the USA was that now I do not have to face any of those comments based on gender, but I was taken aback by surprise. Be it in Nepal when I was a kid or still in the USA, l get another question of “How many siblings do you have?” I reply, “two sisters”. The next question within a fraction of a second, I get is,
“and brother?”. I take a pause and say none. This is very thought-provoking, if I had a brother, I would have told you, you do not have to ask me the second question.
And yes, I still get that question. This question has always bothered me. Also, getting a male child is important to carry forward the family name even in the USA. Be it’s the USA or Nepal, the differences are prevalent. This shows how deep-rooted the concept of discrimination is in our surroundings.
Being a neuroscientist, attending many national and international conferences, and talking to prominent women in the field gave me a clear picture of how this thing is deep-rooted even in the field of science. For example, when there is some achievement by a female scientist, it is always addressed as “female scientist” but that never happens for “male scientist”. I work in a good environment where all my lab mates and boss are cordial and respectful. But as I walk out of my workplace, I can count my days when I did not have to listen to any comments/remarks/jokes based on gender.
I am no one to complain or do moral policing but this is just my thought process. Most of the time, we all tend to ignore these issues. What bothers me most is when female supports these kinds of subtle situations of demeaning women. Be it making fun of female co-workers, cracking jokes on wives, or setting up different rules for wife and daughter in the same household, these all are the bases for discrimination. These are all pettier issues, but it bugs me.
Many of my colleagues, friends argue that we have come along a long way, no doubt we have! Because of the right education, so many women are leaders in their respective fields and are vocal. Even in the countryside women are speaking up for themselves and are filing cases against domestic violence and rapes. This has been achieved due to proper education, the concept of women empowerment, and support from family and friends.
But still, the question remains, is it done? Don’t we need to do anything more for women’s empowerment? Just because I achieved my dream, is it okay to remain blind to the surroundings?
I have a niece who is six years old and I do not want her to grow up fearing rape, acid attack, verbal slurs, subtle sarcasm, etc. I know these changes cannot happen overnight and we need men to support us in this as well. Had it not been for my dad, teachers, and some of my male friends, I would not have been able to achieve my dream. So, if thinking about all these make me feminism, I will take that tag with honor as I was raised by a feminist parent. And no, I do not hate men as I love my dad ?
(Writer Dr. Namrata GR Raut is a Post-doctoral Fellow at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical center, Cincinnati, Ohio, USA)
